The Spirit of Gay Love

     From a very young age many of us are taught that sex is dirty and that if we experience sexuality outside of a marriage between man and woman, then it’s sinful.  Some may even go as far as to call it evil.  In my previous blog entry on conquering fear in LGBTQ-phobic communities, I touched a little bit on the fear that sometimes comes with religion and that I would later deny my sexuality because of that fear.  Of course some people who believe in traditional religious beliefs don’t deny their desires because of fear, but rather to be in deep intimacy with “God” and practice “Holy Sexuality” which I will write about another day.  I’ll just say that this “Holy Sexuality” some people speak of obviously is not the route that I have taken in my life because I was dealt some different cards on my personal life journey.

     The whole reason as to why I began to look deeper into Christian beliefs was simply the result of a friend I loved very deeply at a young age.  See below an excerpt from my book “Becoming the Devil They Fear: A Gay Book of Shadows”:

Falling for a Christian Boy 

My father remarried and there was a Christian family who helped with their wedding.  Before the wedding, I went to their home for supper with my stepmother’s mother.  She thought that I needed positive influence in my life because I didn’t listen to “happy music” and I had quite a few issues with individuals in my family. 

On the car ride to the family’s home she told me how the boy in the family, who was two years younger than me, enjoyed going to church and was very good at playing piano.  This individual didn’t sound very appealing to me because all I knew was the Roman Catholic culture in regards to Christianity.  I often didn’t fit in with them and doubted some of the things they believe.  However, I was curious to see what the boy looked like as I was going through my peak of puberty. 

I followed my soon to be “step grandmother” into their home and was greeted with kindness.  Soon after I was introduced to the boy of the family and wanted to socialize with him since I realized that he was rather good-looking.  We went into the basement for a while and he showed me around.  Then he wanted to show me some of his possessions in his bedroom where we started to get to know each other. 

We liked the same rock bands which I was surprised about since they were quite vulgar at times.  Later we realized that we had many things in common and the one thing I wondered constantly was how likely it was that he had special feelings for me as well.  The kind of feelings which surpassed the feelings of our new friendship which I desperately hoped he did. 

He was a rarity in my life and didn't concern himself with the cruel natures of the school playground. He was genuine and I could tell that he liked me even if I was rather odd at times. While he also showed me sides of his personality that made it so easy to fall in love with him. We shared the same down to earth mannerisms in life and we loved to push the edges around people to get an awkward reaction out of them. We were so much alike and we always kept each other entertained. 

Whether we were watching a movie which we shouldn't have been watching or stopping to take a breath and talking for hours about life and our purpose, he was someone I could really talk to; and that was fairly hard to find because I was either a loser or just a clown to most people. In time, however, he really helped me gather key social skills which I still use to this day. I was able to talk to people in a genuine manner no matter who they were or what their background was. 

Soon after meeting, I stayed over for weekends at his family's place.  We both slept in his bed and I remember the first night I slept at their place.  My mind was going crazy with thoughts of how I could get this boy with whom I was falling in love to tell me that he was gay too.  I also desperately wanted us to pleasure each other because of my age and how comfortable I was with him. I knew I had to tell him how much I loved him but first I thought I should see if he was even interested in me sexually. 

We talked about the most current “celebrity babes” and how good looking they were to make the situation less “gay” at first and possibly less awkward.  I started pleasuring myself under my sleeping bag which he thought was because of the girls we were talking about, however my hormones were racing solely because of him.  Soon after he also began pleasuring himself under his covers.  We both were “early bloomers” in regards to puberty and this boy was causing me huge tension in my body as I desperately wanted to make love to him.

     Let me go into these feelings I had for this boy even further.  Never did it cross my mind that they were of a sinful nature.  Of course I was cautious that his parents were close by and knew they wouldn’t be happy of some of the advancements that later took place.  I knew that some people believed these desires were of a sinful nature, but I was more concerned of what might happen if my friend rejected our friendship after my advancements.  These desires were not of pure lust, I deeply loved him and there was no malice whatsoever.  It was only the desire to fill a hole in my heart, which I desperately wanted filled.  No pun intended.  😉

     Even though there were other times I had experienced desires of a more lustful nature with other boys, I desired above all a boy to treat me the way I always wanted to be treated.  My sexual desires towards this Christian boy were both because I was attracted to him but also that I desired the closest act of love from him.  Making love…  It wasn’t until later on in my life that I started to feel shame for these desires due to taking teachings in the church more seriously.  And I'm telling you all right now that it's going to be pretty hard to convince me that there is anything wrong with the desires I expressed out of love.  😜  Regardless of what one's "holy book" says, I see too much beauty in my loving desires.  But this is another topic I will save for another day.  Check out my book if you want to see how the rest of the sleepover transpired.