Conquering Fears in LGBTQ-phobic Communities

     I was a loner, a child who searched for genuine connections with other boys. I grew up around girls, sisters, their friends and my mother while my father was on the road. Some girls understood me but overall I was weird in my peers’ eyes. I never took to being “normal” very easily because my personality was generally too strong to hide. “What’s wrong with that kid?” they would say, however besides being a bit pigeon-toed because of my disability, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, there wasn’t much wrong with me besides being disinterested in school or losing faith in my peers even though I held onto a hope.

     I hoped that other kids could break free of the rules of the playground and be a good friend. Some friends tried, however they simply came and went. With my father being gone all the time and the lack of genuine male friendships in my life, I would eventually deny the same-sex desires I developed at an early age because in my eyes I would otherwise be risking even more seclusion from my peers. Sometimes they were nice to me and sometimes I was bullied, more often bullied. Naturally, being in the Catholic school system I would ask “God” to help but He never did. However that didn’t stop me from fearing "God’s" wrath if I didn’t believe in Him. I had vision of Hell and they terrified me.

     As I desired to become more intimate with “God”, I began to tap into a Divine Presence which I eventually became intimate with. In my teenage years I came to understand this Divine Presence to be the “God” which I feared, even though when I walked into Catholic churches I felt dead inside. It didn’t stop this Divine Presence to send me supernatural signs within my life to guide me on whichever path I happened to be on…

     See below and excerpt from my book, Becoming the Devil They Fear: A Gay Book of Shadows:

Catholic School Boy's Sign from "God"

I went to Catholic school all of my school years mostly due to a very religious background on my mother’s side of the family. I truly believed in many of the Catholic teachings even so far as to believe that “God” sent his son to save us all. I was well respected for standing up for my beliefs by many family members and peers and wanted to become a priest at one point. I’ve always had a strong belief in spirituality regardless of what I believed in certain parts of my life and I believe that I have seen signs and felt spiritual presence from the Divine to confirm my spiritual paths.

Teenage years are difficult for any child, especially when your home life has many struggles due to divorce, health issues in the family and other kinds of troubles. At one point I prayed to “God” after troubles with a parent and felt a presence. I was on my knees, asking “God” why life was so incredibly difficult and why I had so many burdens in my life which other children didn’t have. All that I wanted was a life in which my family could have things a bit easier.

Suddenly shivers ran across my entire body and I started feeling this strange pressure on my shoulders as if someone was putting their hands on my shoulders, comforting me, letting me know that everything would be alright. Tears ran down my face with mixed emotions of worry, but also hope and happiness for a better future.

A couple of days later I was on my way inside our home and as I looked into the sky I noticed some sort of bird high up in the sky. The bird looked as if it was rising up into the sky without having to flap its wings. Then a powerful white light shone out of it and the bird turned into flames before my eyes. Shortly after, my Christian Ethics class went to a church for a “Q&A” about the Roman Catholic Church with a minister from the parish we were visiting.

The discussions were fairly specific to beliefs and politics which the Catholic Church believes or believed at the time. However, I didn’t participate in those kinds of discussions because I felt that I was on the right path with “God” already.

All that I wanted to know was what the dove with the flames all around it on the church’s painted glass symbolized. The minister told me it resembled the “Holy Spirit” in one's life. It gave me a sense that no matter how bad things would get in my life that as long as I had faith, things would be alright in the end.

I believe that no matter which divine path you follow, as long as your intentions are honest, pure and full of goodness that it is possible to see things in your life that are out of the ordinary which sometimes adds pieces to a person’s life puzzle. We never have all of the answers while we live on this earth, however the dove has been used in all kinds of folklore in spiritual stories. It’s just a matter of how you interpret the connection with your own life.

Was it the “Christian God” who showed me the dove engulfed in flames and put my mind at ease? I have my doubts about the Christian Religion, however whatever the reason this happened, I believe that there is goodness in the Divine. I will always remember this story as a lesson to continue life’s journey in an honest loving manner like I always did as a child.

     This Christian God was all that I knew, however as I journeyed further into my life, I began to see that Christianity was not something that benefited my body, mind and soul. But this Divine Presence was still there up until I became brainwashed by an evangelical church. But that story is for another day… I do not believe that the Christian God is exclusive to all paths of life. I’ve often heard Christian echoes saying, “God’s presence was in the church today”. Funny… I didn’t feel anything but possible enlightenment from what the Priest said today… Other than that, just a sour reminder of chains that were holding me down in fear.

     I feel the Divine Presence outside of the church walls, in the trees, in the sky, in the water, in the flame of a candle & in the ground which supports us. And yes, it has sent its wonderful guides to intervene when I needed it. The spiritual search is never-ending and evolutionary, and one path does not fit all. Find your path whether that may be in churches, in nature or in yourself. The cards you were dealt has shaped you and whatever wavelength those cards have brought you to is for you. Stay genuine to yourself, find yourself if you lost yourself, because it’s not easy to live spiritually when you haven’t even come out of the shell you’ve been hiding in.

     Take the highroad with your oppositions by showing them that the world is a better place when we embrace every life journey that is not causing harm to you nor themselves. We are in this together and need to stop thinking that it’s “us and them” but rather common ground can conquer indifference with the passion within ourselves.

     I hope these words will help you overcome some of the fears in you life, whether that be a person or any specific situation you are struggling with or maybe enlighten you to see that the world’s politics are in a mess right now. Every movement seems to have it’s extremists who are giving each party a bad rep from the other side and people are so damn angry… I’m tired of being angry and I need try different approaches, otherwise I will not grow in my journey but rather be a sour man who never conquered his fears of revisiting those who hurt him.

     It may sound somewhat Christian, but I need to love my enemies… Those who have opposed me, but even though they are the opposition, maybe we can learn to love with common ground between us. Although some people are just not willing to meet us halfway and we have to learn to accept that, but let's hope that they will come to a place where they eventually will be willing to make amends. Because I’m tired of having damaged relationships because of politics and religion. I’ve done the grieving I needed to do, my feelings are in tact and I know who I am on a much deeper level. I am ready to make a difference and the floodgates are opening once again! More to come!