More Than Flesh: Same-Sex Love, "Body, Mind & Soul"

     We all hear of when people come to terms in regards to sexuality, but what does that mean in spirituality?  For me, it was simply a realization that my same-sex desires had exceeded beyond the desires of flesh.  I began to come to terms with sexuality in a realization that it’s possible to desire another male, one about 3 years younger than me, in “body, mind and soul” from my very body, mind and soul, whereas with a girl I dated it was rather just our minds which connected.  I loved her in my mind, but not in my “body, mind and soul”.  See below another excerpt from my book “Becoming the Devil They Fear: A Gay Book of Shadows”:

“Another youth retreat weekend took place a few months after camp and I had become one of the leaders for it.  I convinced a couple of friends who I had met at churches to go and was excited for them to experience the weekend.  I was in a group of leaders rather than sharing with the guests and I became close to a girl in our group.  We had lots of fun together and we seemed to share similar senses of humor.  We shared many stories in our group and I got close to her. 

The weekend went as expected with the guests I had invited.  They both took it all in like I did but now I was left with these feelings for this girl I had met which I was rather curious about.  I convinced myself that I was in love with her and thought that by pursuing a relationship with her, I may be on the right track with “God”. 

I asked her out on dates in which we became even closer.  I asked her to be my girlfriend twice and she finally said “yes”.  I was so excited because it was my first love interest who wanted to love me back.  I had even hoped that because we would be a “respected Christian couple”, then we would be married one day and grow old together, thus pleasing “God”. 

The youth group I was still helping lead was having an event one night in which everyone would stay overnight at the church and I asked my girlfriend to join us.  The boy I had feelings for was also attending along with some other friends with whom we had become acquainted.  We watched a silly movie to begin the evening and I sat beside my girlfriend holding her hand.  There was a lot of joking around going on during the movie between me and some of the other guys which peaked my interest a fair bit. 

After the movie, my girlfriend and a friend of mine who was a couple of years older than me stayed behind as the boy I had feelings for ventured around the church with me recording funny moments on my video camera as we acted very silly.  The other boys got involved and we all had a really fun time dancing to music and getting really hyper.  As the saying goes “boys will be boys”. 

It was probably one of the most fun times of my younger years.  Everyone seemed to like me and how different I was compared to the other leaders and how I really didn’t care what people thought of me, although I still had these secret desires which I had struggled with since reaching puberty.  I desperately tried fighting it, but no matter how hard I prayed to “Jesus”, I couldn’t quite get over these feelings for other boys.  There always seemed to be boys in my life for whom I had feelings. 

My girlfriend started to notice the way I acted around some of the boys compared to how I acted around her.  She could tell that I must have not been interested in her as much as spending time with the boys.  She didn’t assume that I was gay, however she wondered if I enjoyed being with her to the extent of a true passionate relationship. 

She mentioned how upset she was that I spent very little time with her that night and told me that she didn’t think she was the right girl for me.  I tried to convince her otherwise but her intuition was telling her otherwise and she wasn’t happy that we didn’t have that “spark” other couples have. 

While I had dreams of marrying her, I knew deep down that I wasn’t sure if things would work out between us.  She broke up with me shortly after and I was disappointed in myself that I had not let her completely into my heart.  It also saddened me that I wouldn’t see her as much because of the fun we had together and in some way I did love her. 

However something later happened that hurt even more than the break up.  The boy who stayed at my house many weekends from the youth group stopped coming over as much.  He began to distance himself from me and the youth group because he made some friends who encouraged him to do hard drugs. 

At first I wondered if he didn’t like me anymore or that maybe I showed him too much affection which made him feel uncomfortable.  It wasn’t until some of our friends approached me one day at work and told me how worried they were about him, that I started to realize that it wasn’t me.  I believe that he found some friends that seemed more “real” to him and at the age they were, they got caught up into things they shouldn’t have. 

This was the moment that changed everything for me.  I wasn’t sure how I felt about my experiences with my girlfriend and this boy who I knew I loved with all of my heart.  I desired him in a “body, mind and soul” manner rather the normal “manly” sort of friendship people hear about between two boys.  I never felt that kind of love for my ex-girlfriend and it changed my entire world once I realized the difference between both relationships.  I started to realize that I was only conforming to the Christian culture presented to me rather than living in a true spiritual manner.  

I gave my resignation to the head youth leader of the church and discontinued going to church altogether.  I sensed that I needed to take some time to love myself and find out what I really wanted in life...”

     Some people may see this as a turning away from the Divine, however this was rather a new intimate beginning with the Divine…  I did stray from my Christian faith, however I began experiencing things on my own, and although at times I eventually acted in unhealthy attributes to my spirit and sexual desires, I could eventually learn how to be somewhat wholesome in my loving desires for another man.  I believe that there is a process many of us go through when leaving religious communities to embrace one’s sexuality, and we have to experience certain difficulties in truly believing that the ways we express our love isn’t “sinful in nature” but just how our loving desires are wired in us.  I will get more into this in future posts, so I hope you all check back next week.